Consistently, I am pressured to hang out with individuals whom I decline the presence of. It is not because I don’t care. I have, essentially, no friends of my own whom live close to me, whom I confide in regularly. More than anything, I very much so enjoy being alone.
People say it’s healthy to have friendships and relationships with others; however, I think it’s wrong of then to tell me what my individualistic body needs to be happy. I speculate that if I didn’t feel forced into meaningless conversations every day at my job, I would probably be much less depressed.
Speaking of depression, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes.
I feel like I need a year of unpressured alone time to recover from all of the meaningless conversations I’ve felt forced into throughout my life. So go ahead, tell me to suck it up and deal with life without complaining, and to that I tell you to go mind your own business. I can do whatever I want. Jesus won’t send me to Hell if I decide I prefer to be alone than a lover of humanity.
I had a longish talk with my boyfriend last night. I have a tendency to abuse myself, neglect myself. It hurts him. He is distancing himself from me emotionally because he can’t help me. I don’t want help because I don’t care about myself. I have a great destiny and goal. In my eyes, I care to have nothing later in life. I have no goals to be in Heaven other than to worship God and be the poorest person there. No material items could ever entice me. I do not care to build up treasures. I don’t want them.
Regardless, I do not care for myself. I do not care for a long life for myself. I do not care for Heaven. Nothing entices me and keeps me going except the knowledge that I must give my destinies to the world that I have always felt called to do. In a way, I feel that I am a misfit robot amongst a sea of robots who is the only one who realized she is a miraculous machine set in motion and capable of decisions which are already divinely inspired and predicted.
I have no joy. I do not expect joy. I like to pet cats and dogs. Sometimes my boyfriend and I have fun, but lately it has been distressing amidst the wealth of my depression struggles and feelings of apathy towards everything. My drugs have stopped working. I can’t go on a higher dose. I have to find something else.
I feel that I understand so many things that it causes my depression. I cannot believe that God loves everyone when He lets the people who choose to not accept forgiveness go to Hell to suffer eternally. I don’t understand how a parent who loves can do that to children. In my own mind, this only leaves the resolution that God is more of a God who is divine and is just. Above all else, He is righteousness and will not let those who do not play by the rules make it to the Kingdom of Heaven.
It makes me sad that there are so many people who don’t get to go to Heaven. I can’t save them all. There is no point. I feel like everything is cruel, and it doesn’t matter because God doesn’t care that I feel like I want the people in Hell to go to Heaven. He sympathizes, but He is not going to change reality so that everyone gets to go to Heaven. No matter how many times I pray, not everyone will get to go to Heaven.
I don’t pray.
EverFlying 